Thoughts. . . April 27, 2007

Tonight was a bad night. (Don’tcha love right to the point posts???? Yeah…..I know. I can be blunt. Sorry!! *smile*) Well……..I was having a rough time with some things. To be honest I was an assortment of various feelings and couldn’t pick which described me the best. Hmmm…………..mad, irritated, upset, disappointed, exasperated, hurt, confused, sad…………yeah, you pick one, any will do.

I had a talk with Mama and Dad. I talked to Mama more than Dad and I must say, sometimes I just don’t understand how things can strike her as funny. Especially at certain times………….times when my life is on the verge of being, well, on the verge of being over you might say. Ok, ok, ok so that was a slight exaggeration. OK, OK, OK!!!!!!!!!!! It was a huge exaggeration. Hey, it’s the only way I know how to get my point across….ish. Well, there I am yakking away and spilling out all these things that I’m feeling……and Mama is really trying to keep a straight face…..humph. I guess if I saw me the way I was tonight I’d probably laugh too. At least she had me giggling in between frustrated rants!!!!!!

Ok, it gets better. Let me paint you a picture. Sarah Beth is sitting on the couch eating dry cereal and watching me like I’m a movie. Seriously, I know you won’t believe this, but I am bigger and certainly better entertainment than Toy Story 2 and Crocodile Hunter……………..put together…………times 5!!!!!!!!!! So yes, there she is….crunching dry cereal and keeping her eyes glued to me the whole time. Whenever I would say certain things her eyes would pop out……….her hand would freeze in mid air for a moment…….then, as soon as she got over the “shock” of what I’d just told them, she’d go right back to furiously eating her snack. That almost got me off the despair I was feeling and into giggles……..but I tried not to look at her. At one point I said something and Sarah said, “Who, who????” I kept talking. She said “Mom, make her tell me all the details…………..THIS is interesting!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Mama said, “You heard her Erin, tell your little sister all the details!!!!!” Very funny. Har. Har. Har.

Well, I finished downstairs and came upstairs. Gran had just gone to bed so I knew she wasn’t asleep quite yet and I needed to talk to her. “Mamaw, you awake?” “Yes baby, come in…” Onto the bed I went. I sat there for a minute and she put her hand on my foot………out it all came. All the questions, frustrations and tears. We had a long talk and of course when it was all said and done, she’d said everything I knew in my head but was having a hard time really “getting”. Sometimes life seems so clear, so easy in a way. Everything is lined up and ready for us to simply walk down the path. Other times, life is so confusing, so difficult and you start to question every little thing……………. “Why do I do this or that?” “Why does God put things like this in my life?” “I don’t understand……..I’ve tried to think of reasons and none that make any sense will come.”

I told Gran that sometimes I wonder why others can just do what they want to do and for the time being their life seems easier than mine….you know what I mean?? Like you decide to do the right thing and because of that decision life really isn’t easy. I mean, after all, it is hard to do the right thing. But others, (Not any of you, I’m thinking of some extended relatives.) who have decided to make other choices seem to just walk through life with only themselves to answer to. And really, how easy is it to justify things when the only person you have to think about is yourself??? Heavens. Very easy. I know though, in the long run…….I dread the thought of the consequences, that pain, and the regret of a life of lived for self. The prayer of my heart is this: that the Lord will continue to give me, to give each of us that are walking through this life as a child of God, the grace to live a life of holiness before Christ…..to live by the power, peace, hope, love, joy and strength that ONLY comes through CHRIST. The Lord is teaching me……teaching me to cry to Him, fall on Him, lean on Him and TRUST HIM!!!!

Sigh………..well, I was reading a personal forum that I’m a part of tonight and I saw that one of my dear friends had posted this poem that had been an encouragement to her lately. As I read it, the tears flowed and I thought, how perfect that she should post that tonight!!!!! Thank you Lord…….I hear you!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is that poem, I hope you’re just as encouraged as I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desperate and helpless and longing I cried.

Patiently, lovingly, my Lord replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate

And the Master said, so gently said, “Child, you must wait.”

“Wait? You said wait?” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers. I need to know why.

Is Your hand shortened or have You not heard?

By faith I have asked and am claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance and You tell me wait?

I am needing a yes, a go-head sign,

Or even a no, to which I can resign.

Lord, You promised that if we believe,

We need but to ask and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking and this is my cry,

I’m weary of asking. I need a reply.”

And quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So I’m waiting for what?”

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine

And He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair.

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove.

You’d know that I give and I save for a start,

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart,

The glow of My comfort late in the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God who makes what you have last.

And you’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for thee”.

Yes, your dreams for that loved one overnight might come true,

But oh, the loss if I lost what I’m doing in you.

So, be silent my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft may My answers seem terribly late.

My most precious answer of all is still wait.

By Russell Kelfer

I was so encouraged by that poem and I was so overwhelmed by it’s truth. Think about it friends, so we experience some pain and sorrow right now. Ok, we don’t understand what God is doing. However, after all is said and done, isn’t it all comletely worth it for a deeper faith and a closer walk with the Lord??? Isn’t it so much better to KNOW HIM???

Well, I think I have sufficiently posted. *smile* I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight………it’s already after four I think and I know if I turn out the light I’ll just lie there for who knows how long since I don’t seem to be the least bit sleepy……and I have to be up early for work anyway. Sooooooooooo, time to pull out my Bible, turn on some music and wait for the sun to shine through my window, telling me that indeed, another day has come!!!!!! Then I shall greet this new day that the Lord has made and go see my babies!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to each of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!