Life right now… January 13, 2008

I’m going to be brutally honest…I’m NOT very well right now y’all. Not at all. I’m VERY, VERY frustrated and I have a bad attitude. I’m confused and just mad and I’m not responding the way I should to the things going on. I’m being stubborn in many areas and I’m so upset. I’m holding all these things inside and refusing to release them.

Why is it so hard sometimes to remember…and especially hard when you actually need to remember it the most??? To remember that HE who has been faithful before will be faithful again….and again and again and ALWAYS?? To remember that there is a reason for EVERYTHING?? No matter how confusing, how difficult, how painful. To remember that each road Christ leads us down whether easy or rocky and steep, is meant to mold us, to conform us, to make us into that beautiful vessel, pure and perfect, created by our Master’s hand??

I just want to say “Lord, there has got to be another way to teach me this….why, why, why do you have to allow this???” Things have happened in my life before…trials and unpleasant things and usually I can be ok with them even though they’re “bad”. But right now I’m just so upset. I am completely confused and bewildered and irritated that there seems to be no explanation in sight. It’s not supposed to be THIS difficult. It’s really more simple than this, it is. I think we’re the ones that complicate things beyond reason…and that’s a whole other frustration. To think that it’s this complicated and might not even have to be!!!! SIGH.

Today Joe preached on the verse from John chapter 3 that says “A man can receive NOTHING except it be given him from Heaven.” Needless to say I didn’t really care to hear that. Nothing?? Nothing…come on, everything that is given to us is from Heaven?? Well, yes. You see, I haven’t been viewing Jesus as the SOURCE. That’s what He is. HE is our source…for everything. Everything we have, everything, comes from HIM. The very breath we breathe. Our life. Our jobs. The strength and health to do the job that was given by Him in the first place. The ministry we have. Yeah, it’s not our ministry…it’s HIS ministry. Therefore when we minister to and “bless” others, it’s not us doing anything at all. And if it’s not us, if we’re not the source, then we can’t take ownership or credit, we can’t receive the glory when any good comes out of our life.

Now, what about the bad?? Bad can’t come from Heaven. Ha. Explain that one. He did. And I quote, “A man can receive NOTHING except it be given him from Heaven and that includes the “evil” or “bad”…” What?? SIGH. He went on….the bad in life is what fits you for Heaven. The good gives you a taste for Heaven while the bad fits you and tests you. He allows things often times beyond the power of our understanding. Remember, He is the source. He knows what I need. He knows how much “bad” to allow. So then, why is it that others seem to have it so much easier?? I could ask the question “why does everything happen to me?”. Well, it doesn’t. God sets different limits, puts different difficulties on different people because He knows what our level of trust is and He knows where it needs to be and He know just how much it will take to get us there.

A key though, you have GOT to learn to receive the bad. If you don’t receive it, if you don’t release it, you will hinder yourself from seeing the big picture, and you will hinder God from advancing you as He longs to advance you. Peace only comes to the ones that receive the bad and release it back to the source.

Ok, UNFAIR. I didn’t want to hear that. I don’t want to receive the bad…and do you know how hard it is to release things??? Especially hurtful things, and things that make me mad??? Hard. Please, just take it away. I don’t like it, it doesn’t make sense, it makes me mad, it makes me cry. I know. I know it, head knowledge, yep it’s there. I know why “bad” things happen. Here’s a story that relates….and I love this story…

“How did you get such pure and spotless gold to make the vessel Sir?” He answered the lady, not taking his eyes off the vessel before him. “I had to sift it and filter through it over and over until all the dirt and impurities were gone…then when it was clean I could melt it and pour it into the mold to make it into the shape I wanted it to be. Then I placed it back into the fire to refine it.” As she watched him work slowly and carefully on the vessel she asked the goldsmith, “How long do you have to leave the vessel in the fire?” The goldsmith answered, “You can’t leave it in a minute too long or it will be destroyed, but you have to leave it in long enough to make the vessel perfect and complete.” Then she asked, “Can you leave it in the fire and come back to it later?” He answered, “Oh no, no. I cannot leave it for a moment. I stay right here and watch it closely until everything is ready.” She nodded and asked, “And how hot must the fire be before the vessel is ready?” He replied, “Well, it has to be hot enough to refine it and create something beautiful, but it cannot be too hot or the vessel will be ruined.” The she asked, “And when it comes out of the fire? Then what do you do?” He answered, “I gently and carefully clean and polish it.” She asked him one more question, “But Sir, how do you know when the vessel is finally finished?” The man smiled at her and replied, “I know it’s finished when I look at the vessel and I can see my reflection in it.”

Our Master and Refiner is sifting through our lives to clean it of all impurities. He is pouring our lives into the mold He has chosen. He is putting us through the refining fire and knows just how long to leave us there and just how hot the fire must be, and He will never leave us, not even for a moment. His loving eyes will always be watching over us. Then He will clean and polish us until He can look at our life and see HIS reflection shining brightly and perfectly.

So, is the process painful?? Uncomfortable?? YES. Many times it is. You know, I really don’t know what lies ahead, don’t even have the slightest idea. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. But I do know who holds my tomorrow….I know who holds my each and every tomorrow. The One that created me in His image, the One Who knows me, every part of me. The One Who loves me and longs to give me His very best; my Savior, my Lord, my Father.

So, I just obviously said all these things that are good and true and very applicable and can help matters greatly when applied and taken to heart….Today after Joe preached Pastor Hovey asked us to pray and tell the Lord we were releasing it all to Him, starting fresh and trusting Him with everything in our life. I have to be honest with you, I couldn’t do it yet. I know I need to but there are still things I’m holding onto. Things I want to know the reason why, things I want to change. I couldn’t tell the Lord honestly that I was trusting Him with everything because I knew inside that I really wasn’t.

I’m still mad. I’m still confused and frustrated. I’m still struggling. Sigh. The Lord is trying to work on me, I’m just being very stubborn. And you know the bad part?? I am choosing to be stubborn and I know, I know that the Lord can’t bless, or give me peace, or give me the desires of my heart until I receive the grace and receive the bad and surrender this. And yet I hold on tightly and fight and stay mad. SIGH.

Y’all can be in prayer for me…..the Lord is way too patient and forbearing with me. WAY, WAY too patient.

I’ll leave you with the words to this song that has become my prayer:

Make me know Your presence Lord, when I feel so alone.
You know each trial and testing pain, each hurt that is unknown.
Oh why can I not see, Your hand so firmly guiding me?
Oh how can I untrusting be, when You are very near to me?

When God is near,
All the world seems far away.
When God is near,
Every fear is set aside.
When God is near,
How can I stray, how can I falter?
I’ll stay upon the alter.
I know my God is near.