from.my.heart.to.yours July 31, 2008

Bear with me and I ramble and write all my thoughts onto this blog of mine…somehow, it always helps.

Christa’s death has impacted me deeply. I haven’t ever really felt pain like this before. It’s had me thinking. A LOT. It’s had me asking “why?”.  I don’t understand this life. So many times it seems hard…too hard. I know He never said it would be easy, but must it be so difficult, so confusing, so painful? I wonder, ALL the time, why things have to happen the way they do. You know, all those things in life that don’t make sense? The things that to us, seem rather pointless? I wonder about those things.

For me, this has been the year of “why?” so far. At every turn, on every hand, thoughts and questions plague my mind. It’s not that I don’t know God has it in His hand and it’s not like I don’t think I can trust Him. It’s just this great desire within me to understand and have it all make sense. Needing things to make sense is one of my greatest downfalls I’m sorry to say. So, in wondering “why?” about so many things, I came across this well known passage and it really encouraged me. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

When I read that verse this time, I thought about all the hardships, difficulties and painful things my family and I have experienced and the things some of those close to me have walked through and are walking through…things I can’t understand. I knew that this verse was showing me that I really cannot understand them. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. His are much higher. I know that’s a fact. There are many things, that had I been given the choice with my limited knowledge, I would have chosen to change. And why is that? Why would I have chosen differently been given that option?

Is it because of my obvious humanity? Because we as humans are so prone to wander? So quick to choose our own path and do our own will? Do we choose “good” when God is ready to give us “BEST” because of our tunnel vision, not realizing that God sees the BIGGER PICTURE? I think many times, we tend to base so many choices on what we can see rather than on what Christ directs. We think something will be better and take action in that direction without hearing from the Lord, realizing that He can see and He knows….past, present and future. Often we are living in tents when the mansion is just as accessible…we’re settling for crumbs when Jesus has prepared a fest, we’re gazing at a painting of a sunset when the most beautiful sunset is right outside the front door. Yeah, I’ve been there. *sigh*

In this life, things happen the way they do for different reasons. Nothing EVER takes God by surprise, but I think many times in our humanity, I we do often settle for second best, yet God in His mercy, takes our flaws and does work them together for our good and His glory…so, that being said, in reality, should we be surprised if things don’t make sense? Maybe they would make more sense if we were more in tune with Jesus, heard His voice and chose to obey, no matter what the cost. And wouldn’t life make more sense if we had the mind of Christ? If we thought like Him and had His perspective when it comes to life, relationships and purpose? Perhaps we wouldn’t be surprised at certain things, or confused by others. Perhaps we wouldn’t be so quick to ask “why?”, but instead have the capacity to better understand this life, by understanding the ways of our loving Father.

As Christians, isn’t it our ultimate goal to have His perspective, His mind, to be conformed to HIS image, to become like Him and live as He would live, responding in ways man cannot fathom because we have the very spirit of God living within us, empowering us to live a life set apart? To live as a holy vessel, shining forth the life of Christ in us, rather than ourselves? If that IS the ultimate goal then why the surprise when He allows trials and testings, things we don’t understand, to accomplish that very thing? Sometime I hear people say, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Well, why do we always view the things that happen as bad? “Beloved, think it not strange concerning this fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you. But rejoice inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when His glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.” “For our light affliction which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.”

Knowing and believing that a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory is being worked in our lives through these testings God allows, rather than viewing it as a “bad thing” that is happening, will change our perspective and responses. Oh, of course questions of “why?” will still loom. Heaven knows I have asked them a million times these past few weeks regarding my precious sister taken home to be with Jesus for reasons I cannot begin explain or understand. And there will still be heartbreak and pain, we will still feel and experience those emotions. But by taking those verses to heart and truly believing them through these times of confusion and pain, perhaps the mighty and mysterious working of Christ in each of us will become the focus rather than the questions, doubts and pain. “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.”

In some chapters of my life I can look back and see the reason, and find the answers clearly before me and I think “Ohhh, that’s why Lord…now I see.” Then there are other chapters. Others I can’t understand why, I can’t see at all and nothing in this human mind can conjure up a reason or a purpose. And then there are the unfinished chapters, those that I’m currently walking through and from this position I certainly don’t know why, can’t see the purpose and don’t understand the reason. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I don’t need to see air in order to breathe it. I don’t need to see the good being produced, or “feel good” to BELIEVE in my soul that God IS GOOD, ALWAYS and only does things well…that He using the pain, using the heartache to do something mighty in this fallen heart of mine. No, it doesn’t matter.

Dear friend Sarah posted this quote on her site and I was very touched by it. “Thou has made waiting beautiful; Thou hast made patience divine. Thou hast taught us that the Father’s will may be received just because it is His will. Thou hast revealed to us that a soul may see nothing but sorrow in the cup and yet may refuse to let it go, convinced that the eye of the Father sees further than it’s own.” *sigh* AMAZING. Seeing it, but refusing to let that cup of sorrow go, convinced that the eye of the Father sees further than it’s own.

If I never “get it” this side of Heaven, if it never makes sense and never seems to fulfill any specific purpose in the eyes of man, I have to believe that ONE DAY, one day, I will see what my human eyes could not see and know with no uncertainties, and I’ll understand with perfect understanding…it will all fit, the final piece of the puzzle in place and I will be grateful for what the Lord did, and what the Lord allowed, grateful even for the pain, and grateful for how He led me to the place of full surrender for HIS own glory.

“For now we see through a glass darkly; but then FACE to FACE…”

My prayer is not to see tragedy, pain, hardships and difficulty as “bad”, not to focus on the things I don’t understand, but to focus on the things I know and believe. God IS GOOD, ALWAYS. He only does things well. “And we know, that ALL things work together for good to them that love Him; to them which are the called according to His purpose.” He will never leave me, nor forsake me. “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.” “Know ye that the Lord, He is God: it is He that hath made us and not we ourselves; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting…”

***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***

:: Please be in prayer for the CMT Staff as we enter the last two weeks of preparation for the conference coming up as well as during those three days. I mentioned Christa at the beginning and never feeling pain like this before. I’m not the only one. Our Staff is hurting and grieving and this year will be a very difficult one to get through. God’s strength will see us through, but prayers are needed and appreciated. Especially keep the Baker and Alexander families in your prayers. I cannot imagine the pain and loss they feel. Thank you. ::